Existential crisis

Wandered too far off into the ends of my brain (read: overthinking) and it’s now midnight and I’m stuck with endless questions that I can’t answer.

Do I exist for a purpose greater than myself? Am I ever going to find something I am passionate about, something that makes me feel? Or will I just continue existing because I’m stuck on earth and it isn’t my time to go yet?

My head hurts and my life is a mess and I can’t sleep and I don’t know what to do.

I want answers.

destruction

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‘it never rains but it pours.’

I don’t think my phone can last a week—it keeps hanging and crashing and shutting down by itself and somehow I feel that it’s an accurate depiction of my life right now. except maybe my life is in more of a mess.

if only I could reset my life like how I could do a factory reset for my phone. then I would probably destroy myself before an embryo was even formed.

so untimely for everything to crash… but then again I guess there will never be a good time for destruction.

and this is one hell of a torrential downpour.

the one who cares more

once people get past the walls around my heart, they can literally do anything they want to screw me up. it’s like once I start caring, there is no point of return. because no matter how much I try not to care about people and things, deep down inside, I know that I’m the one who cares more. always.

I’m the one who’s willing to put down everything I’m doing just to reply a text, because I feel that the person on the receiving end is worth it. I’m the one who initiates conversations, because I freaking care about how a friend is doing.

and sometimes, it sucks. because people take it for granted that you’ll always be there for them. that you’ll always try harder and fight more fiercely for them.

they don’t appreciate it because it’s always there.

stuck

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I keep bringing myself down for having high expectations because deep down inside, reality screams at me to wake the fuck up—it simply isn’t pragmatic to hope that I can reap the same results as others when I am putting in so much less effort than them.

I don’t mean that I’m not trying my best, it’s just that I can’t seem to bring myself to work as hard as my peers. maybe because I no longer see the point in doing so anymore, or maybe I am just inherently less capable than them. but everyday I fight a losing battle against myself. it’s bee n long since I stopped trying to find motivation, now it’s just forcing myself to sit in front of my desk and concentrate and hoping that the day passes quickly. well, at least this struggle is ending soon, right?

honestly, I’m not even convinced anymore that this journey would be worth it. the only reason why I haven’t given up yet is because I don’t want to have gone through 2 years of hell for nothing.

but what happens when your best just isn’t enough?

20 months: a reflection

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the past 2 years were hard. I experienced more struggles within those 2 years than I did outside of them. I constantly questioned my choices, my priorities, my sanity, and my ability to make it through A levels.

if you ask me whether I would have made the same choices if I knew things were going to turn out this way, my answer is no. I wouldn’t. but that is unrealistic; I wouldn’t know. what I do know is that the very decisions I made shaped me into who I am today. I am still a mess, and I might always be, but I think I am a better version of myself than I was 2 years ago.

so despite my struggles, I have no regrets about this journey. it would be a lie to say that I’d do it all over again, but I think it’s fair to say that I took away many valuable lessons from it, and I’ve grown a lot.

am extremely proud of myself for making it through this arduous journey—it has been a battle and I am leaving with scars that are beyond skin-deep. I still do not know if I have won this battle, but at least I know that it was one in which I fought for myself, with my own bare hands.

oxygen

today is one of those days where everything I do feels like a sacrifice. I really don’t know how long more I can do this before something happens. and when that something does happen, I’m quite sure it ain’t gonna be pretty.

my greatest worry is that I can’t even say for sure that I’ll emerge victorious from this mess I’ve become. the uncertainty is killing me, but I guess all I can do now is to keep my fingers crossed that all these will be worth it, regardless of how much I’m convinced otherwise.

hope is the oxygen I need but can’t have.

mind game

he didn’t fit the mold so they reassembled him.’

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how do I convince myself to believe in something I don’t believe in, but something that is widely accepted by society? I am so strongly rooted to my own set of beliefs that I can’t bring myself to think beyond it (read: stubborn). but sometimes I know that the beliefs shared by the majority is for a greater good.

I am stuck in a mental paradigm with no instructions on how to escape. the only way to get out, is to get past myself.

I am my own nemesis. I am a rival I cannot beat.