if only it were as easy to walk away from people as we wished it would be.
my heart has been ruling all this while, for as long as I can remember, for far too long in fact. it was a battlefield; there were far more losses than gains.
it’s time to guard my heart and let my brain win the war.
I recently realised that I’m dreading life. and I don’t know why it took me so long to know about something so important. what I do know is this: I am dreading life because I don’t have things to look forward to because I don’t have a purpose because I am not passionate about anything at all.
I am one who believes that humans need to exist for this purpose that is greater than themselves. therefore I find it sad that I still haven’t found my purpose, because I don’t want to simply exist. I don’t want to live life just surviving each day, hoping the next never comes because everything just becomes a boring routine that I am increasingly getting sick of.
I want to experience bright yellow happiness and jade green jealousy and pitch black fear and sea blue melancholy. I want to live life loudly and colourfully. I want to feel deeply for people and for things. I want to try every single thing that I have ever had the slightest interest in. I want to exhaust myself in the glorious pursuit of life.
I will not stop searching for my purpose until I find it. call me naive, but I don’t want to survive on embers; I want to burn through life like a fucking forest fire.
I don’t know if my brain was wired differently from most people, but I often feel like a misfit. sometimes I don’t feel like I fit at all; like nobody, including myself, can understand my thoughts and/or feelings.
imagine society wants people to be round. they have these round holes made for the entire population. somehow everyone is born round. except you—you are born square.
what do you do? do you cut off your edges to fit into the round hole, but in the process, risk damaging or even losing yourself? or do you insist on remaining square, and choose not to fit in and continue being different from everyone else?
what do I do? I wish I could proudly say that I stand by myself, no matter what. but sometimes it gets tiring to stick out like a sore thumb. so some of my edges got chipped off over the years, and perhaps, that caused me to lose some parts of myself too.
they say why fit in when you were born to stand out? I say if only it were that simple.
I hope people know that when I expect certain things from them, it’s only because I’m willing to do the same for them. but people keep disappointing, and I can’t keep giving because there is only so much I can give without losing some parts of myself too.
so when I choose to walk away, know that it wasn’t the easiest decision to make. know that I value these relationships, just that I need myself to be happy too.
perhaps some things are just not meant to be.
I have this thing for tunnels
I use The Tunnel to explain my current situation in life:
I am stuck in a tunnel, and while I’m in it, I can’t breathe. no light. no food. no human in sight. just stuck in here with nothing but myself.
like being stuck in a tunnel, I am now stuck in a phase of my life that I desperately want for it to end. except that my problem now is neither asphyxiation nor hunger, but my heart is yearning for freedom too.
like being stuck in a tunnel, I face many similar obstacles. I too have no one, for this journey is one that I have to embark on alone. and similarly, out of all the obstacles, be it darkness, insects, or death, the greatest obstacle I face is myself. I am my worst enemy.
but like being stuck in a tunnel, the suffering ends. it’s called a tunnel because there is definitely an opening somewhere, and I will eventually get to it. I may be my greatest enemy but so can I be my best motivator. I will survive.
because I know there’ll always be a way out.
the big A’s is approaching and everyone is so tense I can almost smell competition in the air. it’s quite scary really. I too am stuck in this paper chase even though I do find it incredibly meaningless. everyone is just blindly regurgutating their notes and forcing pieces of information into their brains. is there any point in learning like this? and what kind of human being has this system shaped us into?
here’s an excerpt of the thoughts that go through my brain each day: why do we have to study the things we hate in order to do the things we like in future? why do I have to know that rhyolitic lava comes out of a volcano at the oc-cc convergent boundary? why must I succumb to societal pressure and get stuck in this chase for paper qualifications? are paper qualifications the sole determinant of our success as a person? why can’t society accept people for their different talents, even if they are not academically inclined? did I make a right choice choosing the mainstream path and coming to JC? did I make a right choice coming to my current JC? what happens if I don’t manage to get into a decent course in university?
the above thoughts went through my mind in about 39 seconds and yes, I am incredibly insecure. but I believe that I’m not the only one who thinks like this. and I can’t help but to wonder if the system, in trying to equip us with more skills and enhance the competitiveness of the workforce, has instead produced robotic humans who are so insecure about themselves and/or so unhappy with their lives.
at what costs do we pursue the things society expects of us?